Posted by chronicwind on July 20, 2018 at 09:55 PM
So here I am again, abangers sa messenger -- wanting him to initiate a conversation, waiting for his messages. Naaanxious nanaman ako; I feel distant, unimportant. Eh wala naman ako karapatan magdemand ng anything else. Paano ba maging kalma pagdating sa ganito. How to expect nothing when you want something more
Ayan wag kasi makipaglandian kung di mo kaya na hindi ka lalandiin back.
Dapat ata di ko nalang tinigil yung no contact ko ) Eto na, dami ko nanamang hanash dahil naaattach nanaman ako
Posted by chronicwind on July 20, 2018 at 07:36 PM
Lately, I have been so dissatisfied with my photography -- or my life in general -- even though objectively I'm in a good place: good working environment, good company, good home life -- there's so much to be thankful for but I feel restless and stuck and incompetent and this is a privileged rant so
so shut up, self (it's just usual pre-birthday you-haven't-done-anything-significant-considering-how-privileged-you-are sort of thing and you need to ride this through)
Posted by chronicwind on July 20, 2018 at 04:59 PM
I wonder what it feels like to kiss myself? HAHAHA haggs (
I haven't been kissed in a long long long time I'MMMM
I just want! His soft warm lips on mine, tongues entangled and noses rubbing AAAGHGASDFADF
Posted by cinderellaareus on July 20, 2018 at 12:32 PM | under: Friday
It's Friday. It's raining and I'd love to have champorado. I wonder why I ended with a frappuchino.
A day has gone. I'm moving on.
TM meeting later. I won't be attending and I'm not happy about it. Parents will be having a lab checkup tomorrow. I can't make them wait for me until midnight since lack of sleep might cause discrepancies to their results. I'm willing to just book a hotel and sleep somewhere near Timog just to be able to attend the meeting if only I'm not too broke.
Brother's birthday tomorrow too. Not attending tonight is probably the best decision talaga. I intentionally announced my absence just to make sure I won't change my mind last minute and do something stupid like booking a hotel when I don't have the money or something. I just miss TM. I miss speaking. I miss my friends.
I did see Gabby, Ivan and Jay yesterday. I joined them club hopping in a TM club near Cubao, just 2 stations away from work. All good. Though I got my least favorite role, I enjoyed it a lot. Something bothered me though...
I was the grammarian. In our club, we call it "language evaluator". I know this role is not really my forte so I gave them a heads up. I told them that my course in college was engineering where we were focused on Math and that during my English classes, I was just sleeping.
After my stint, the GE said, I don't look like an engineer daw. It was the first time someone said that to me so I was taken aback. I've been in TM for 2 years. I know people there will never insult anyone right on the meeting. I was thinking maybe the GE meant it as a compliment. Hindi ko lang maisip kung paano so I had to ask, "is that a good thing?"
I was yet to receive an answer when someone else seconded, oo nga daw, I don't look like an engineer. At that time I was so confused I can almost see question marks hovering on top of my head.
Clearly, they were speaking English but I felt like it was a whole different language. If you tell someone from my college friends that they don't look like an engineer, I'm pretty sure they will take it as an insult. I wonder what "you don't look like an engineer" means in their language. It didn't help that someone even asked, "were you just forced to take that course?"
I pressed on because I wanted to get an answer, "is that a good thing?" Sadly, the answer never came.
When I looked back in what I've been through in my life, na realize ko na majority ng problema ko sa buhay, I created myself. But come to think of it, because of that, I have a lot of good stories to tell.
I was browsing Sis Mayi's timeline when a came across Doc Didoy's (her husband) message for her last Mother's day. I was so moved a tear escaped. Take note, hindi ako iyakin.
Aside from household chores, I'm pretty much self reliant. I know I'm good on my own and I used to be scared of being binded by someone else's rules and approval out of being in a relationship.
But I think it's really nice to have someone else's back. To be the foundation behind someone's success. You see, all my life I'm mostly the Alpha in anywhere I go. I want to have someone I'd be willing to be a Beta for.
Posted by chronicwind on July 20, 2018 at 12:32 PM
"You're never gonna go if don't go now
You're never gonna grow if you don't grow now
You never don't know if you don't find out
You're never going back, never turning around
You're never gonna go if you don't go now"
Go. Go now. Take that trip. Find out.
( I want him to be the last. I want him to last )
Posted by chronicwind on July 20, 2018 at 12:32 AM
I know we're not together -- not committed, but we still talk, and we're doing okay lately -- being flirty and all, and we're making plans for me to visit him. But tonight I went out with a tinder match, and it makes me feel guilty, even if technically im not doing anything wrong. He did say we should date others; but that was a couple of months ago and i don't have the courage to rock the boat now, in case it's no longer what he wants. In response I'm being super sweet to him, to assuage my guilt... I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing
Posted by cinderellaareus on July 19, 2018 at 02:12 PM | under: Thursday
Ok, it hurts.
Posted by dabahnidanda on July 19, 2018 at 01:02 PM
I was glad I made someone happy yesterday.
No fancy gifts, just a letter coming from the heart.
Living a simple life made me realize that not all things fancy will make me happy.
The little things matter.
Time well spent
All these things contributed to the smile that I had from the time I woke up til now.
And I didn't even spent a single cent just yet.
Thank you Lord for showing me those that truly matter
and for continually embracing my individuality now matter how odd I seem
and for building bridges that I may be able to connect myself with the rest of the world.